Madame Zoltar: This Week's Predictions

Hello dearies!

My prognostications for the coming week:

In an effort to deflect criticism from his proposal for a city water park, Mayor Becker will explain that the project could be used to defuse rivalries amongst inner city gangs: "Instead of shooting it out, our troubled youth would have the opportunity to settle their differences with water balloon fights, like mature adults do." Hizzoner will then drift off with comments about "those guys need a bath, anyways" and "who the hell do they think I am - the mayor?"

Racine Unified School District will announce the need for an Ideology Update. "Our current ideologies are antiquated and ill-suited to the needs of modern students," will read a statement issued by the school board. "Not only that, but we don't even know where or what most of our present day ideologies are. Given the need to keep up with the ever-changing ideology of our fast paced world, we foresee a $200 million ideology gap in the near term. Unless alternate funding mechanisms are developed or sought to address this gap, another referendum becomes a very distinct possibility."

The Wisconsin Department of Transportation will make public its recommendation that state funding be withheld from any road repair or construction project that does not replace existing intersections with roundabouts. "Roundabouts are the wave of the future," a DOT spokesman will say. "Why should we waste our efforts on bettering the skills of Wisconsin drivers when we can make the roads navigable to a blind man doing 2 miles an hour? Our estimate is that roundabouts will provide employment for DOT personnel well into the next century."

It's summertime, kiddies, so I also predict a lot of fun! Ta-ta!