Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello, my lovely gardenias! I hope that you are coping well with this wintry blast. I know I am. Bottoms up!

Our first email this week comes from Mr. Logjam, who writes:

Dearest Madame,

We up here in da Nort have been experiencing this winter for a good number of weeks now. Our good friend Beejay had the sense enough to move to Florida with the warmer weather and snakes. Now, I don't want her to get homesick and too used to 69 degree winter temperatures, so do you think you could zap her with a 20 degree day or two just to give her a feel of the old stomping grounds?

Your humble Irregular,
Logjam

Oh my, Mr. Logjam, how kind of you to express your concern about Ms. Beejay’s ability to adapt to such a sudden shift to warm weather. You may be right about her needing a little reminder of home, but I’m not sure that cold weather would be fair to the rest of the Floridians and snowbirds in her general area. I’m going to need a little time to brew on this one, but at this point I’m pretty sure that snakes will somehow be involved. I’ll keep you posted. Thank you for writing.

Our next email arrived from Mr. OrbsCorbs today:

Dear Most Exalted and Supreme Being Madame Zoltar,

What’s up with the Journal Times comics page? For a long time, they were burying it in the sports section, or next to the casserole recipes. Lately, though, the comics have been appearing more and more in the “A” section (the real “A” section – not the “B” section labeled like an “A” section), and today they were on page 4A. Does this migration towards the front of the newspaper signify anything of import, and if so, what? Will the comics finally make it to the front page?

Your much more humble than logjam Irregular,
OrbsCorbs

Dear Mr. OrbsCorbs, perhaps the publisher of the Journal Times is subconsciously making a statement, similar to the Doomsday Clock of the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists. As each day’s news grows progressively grimmer, especially on the economic front, maybe the comics are being moved up in the newspaper to provide humor and relief as soon as possible after the bad news. In that regard, the Journal Times might want to look into beefing up their comic forces, because I don’t foresee any relief on the near horizon. As for your question concerning the comics and the front page, many people in Racine are of the opinion that the comics have been on the front page of the Journal Times for years already. It was very kind of you to contact me.

Finally, an email from a non-Irregular who has been spamming my account for weeks:

Dear Madame Whatsherface,

Do you ever predict anything that actually happens? Ha-ha!

f1337enema

Yes, Mr. Enema, I predict an end to your taunts. That will actually happen, too, and not just because I predicted it, but because I gave Nick and Vito $1,000 each to make it happen. Have a nice day, while you can still walk.

Questions, problems, worries, embarrassments, gossip, outright lies? Send them to: madamezoltar@jtirregulars.com.

That’s it for this week, my passion fruits. I have work to do on conjuring an antidote to the gaseous clouds of noxious fumes which will soon be emanating from Racine’s other mayoral candidates. Be careful out there! Auf Lederhosen.