Sunday, March 15, 2009

Fifty Dollars

Fifty Dollars

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.

She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her,
'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me
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11 comments:

AvengingAngel said...

SER, How dare you expect people to be self reliant when they've been victimized by society? Don't you know that it is our fault they are homeless? It is only because we failed to give them more of the things we worked for that they are in their predicament.

Oh wait, I forgot, we have a Democrat in the White House now. We won't hear anything about the homeless until a Republican gets elected.

March 16, 2009 at 12:33 AM
hale-bopp said...

I'll see that one...


Charlie offered my daughter Catherine, who feels sorry for the homeless, five dollars to clean up the dog shit in his back yard, then offered to take her downtown to Fred the homeless man so she could give him the five dollars.

"But why don't we hire Fred to clean up the dog shit, and give him the five dollars directly?"

'Welcome to the Republican Party, Catherine.'

Catherine thought for a minute, then said, "no, that's not how a Republican would get the job done."

'How so? Republicans love the value of hard work.'

"Mr. Jones, a Republican would first ask all of his rich friends to bid on a contract for cleaning up your yard."

'Yes, he would do that. Then what would he do?'

"Then he'd decide which of his friends would give him the most money back under the table, and award the contract to him."

'Would my yard then get cleaned up?'

"No. The friend would read the bid packets, find the person who submitted the lowest bid, and give him a subcontract to clean your yard."

'And my yard would get cleaned up then, right?'

"No, sir. The person who subcontracted it would realize he can't clean your yard for the money he bid, and submit a contract modification request. You'd grant this because the shit would just keep piling up."

'Would someone clean my yard then?'

"Not yet. First there'd have to be a re-inspection of the property. They'd find out you issued a contract to clean a yard of 1500 square feet, but your yard is actually 1505 square feet. They'd declare you in breach of contract and keep all your money."

'So I'd lose all my money and still have dog poop in my back yard?'

"It's not just that. The company who declared you in breach of contract is more than willing to reopen the contract, provided you pay them a 30 percent fine and sign a six-month contract extension."

'Thirty percent! I'd just cancel the contract altogether!'

"You couldn't do that because there's a premature cancellation clause on page 742 of the contract you never read because it's written in Russian--if you cancel the contract before the service was performed they would fine you 75 percent of the contract's value."

'I see. So I pay the thirty percent, and someone comes over to pick up the dog shit?'

"No. No one ever comes over to pick up the shit. See, while all this was going on we had six days of nonstop rain, and all the dog shit dissolved and soaked into the ground. The liquid shit killed all your grass, but you can issue a contract next spring to have them plant some more."

'So what did I really pay for?'

"They decided to make sure you would never have to have dog shit picked up from your yard ever again."

'And how did they do that? Did they put a robot in my yard to scoop it up?'

"No, they called Animal Control and said they saw your dog foaming at the mouth. Someone came over and put your dog to sleep for you. But they left the carcass in your yard, because their contract clearly states they were hired to pick up dog crap, not dead dogs."

'So what do I do with my dog?'

"You can apply for a contract variance if you pay a 62 percent surcharge, but there'll be a non-negotiable $500 additional fee to cover the cost of hiring someone with a backhoe to dig a grave for your dog."

'My dog isn't very big. Why do I need to hire a backhoe to bury him?'

"Because the contracting officer's brother owns a backhoe, and he can't get jobs any other way because he can't drive it very well."

'Hey, now wait a minute. I didn't want all this contracting garbage, or surcharges, reevaluations and fines. And I definitely don't want my dog killed. All I want is to just pay someone five dollars and have them go around my yard with a sack and pick up all the dog shit.'

Catherine smiled. "Welcome to the Democratic Party."

March 16, 2009 at 1:00 AM
Huck Finn said...

HB the joke is too long. Funny and sadly true, but too long. The thing about SER's joke and the comment after it is that if the shit hits as hard as it may, we'll see a lot of the comedians no longer Republicans. Only someone with a job can be a republican ya know.

March 16, 2009 at 2:30 AM
kkdither said...

hale, sounds exactly like dealing with elder care law and medicaid. You can pretty much 'work the laws' as long as you know the right people and the right hands are greased. Their hands wind up full, yours... well, not so.

March 16, 2009 at 6:55 AM
Bailers said...

So then the little girl decided that she wanted to be in the Democratic party. So she joined the local union and was told that $5 wasn't the going rate. In fact, this was considered a service, therefore the Service Contract Act applied and the going rate should be $15 dollars, plus an additional amount to be paid into the benefits fund. Plus, she was entitled to a foreman at the going rate of $45/hour and paid time off.

During all this, the Reverend Jesse Jackson got wind and showed up outside the home and declared that at even $15 dollars, it was too little for the work being done, and demanded the homeowner engage in discussions to "donate" to Rainbow PUSH or face a boycott.

Meanwhile, Charlie still had a pile of crap in his backyard. So he asked Bill down the street if he would pick it up for $5. Bill, being a non-union worker, gladly agreed because he could use that $5 during his shopping trip at Walmart.

This did not please the union, which insisted that the job go to a union worker. So the picket line was formed, bringing in such diverse interests as the SEIU and Piano Tuners local 180. Additionally, the local union steward tried to organize a card check to force anyone who worked at Charlie's home to join the union.

All the while Catherine is seeing the carnage of what has been created and says "I just wanted to help the homeless guy. So what was supposed to be an act of personal kindness turned into a production of self-interests that cared less about the pile of shit and more about promoting themselves."

Charlie then smiled and said "Welcome to the land of independents."

March 16, 2009 at 12:37 PM
kkdither said...

I guess the moral of the story is you better be able to take care of your own shit or you should expect to have to put up with a pile of it...

March 16, 2009 at 1:40 PM
hale-bopp said...

Touche, Bailers. We got the Republicans, Democrats and Independents...anyone got a Libertarian, Natural Law Party, or Constitution party one?

Since my previous one was criticized for being too long, here is another one.

Six year-old Sally wanted to help the homeless. Then the neo-cons invaded Iran.

March 16, 2009 at 2:33 PM
Bailers said...

Okay HB, I'll give you from my kinda Liberarian perspective.

Tell Catherine that she should take the $5 dollars and spend it at McDonalds, where at least the workers are putting in an effort to work.

Then the Democrats taxed the $5 dollars and John Stewart had Barney Frank on to demand why he shouldn't apologize. Mitch McConnell tried to make a case why his party was still relevant and at the same time explain how they had a plan for the $5 that wasn't just oppose what Obama did. Rush Limbaugh called for the little girl to fail, CNBC called for a Boston Poop Party, and John Stossell asked us all to give him a break.

:)

March 16, 2009 at 2:56 PM
hale-bopp said...

Pretty good, but you forgot Jim Cramer said we hit bottom and it's time to buy!

March 16, 2009 at 3:06 PM
Bailers said...

And...

Keith Olberman made Charlie the worst person of the week, and Bill O'Reilly said they were investigating him for child labor violations. More on that after the break...

March 16, 2009 at 4:15 PM
SER said...

I just want to know who can fall in a pile of shit and come out smelling like a rose?

Or do I have to go through the florist union?

DNR?

EPA?

March 16, 2009 at 10:36 PM

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