Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello, my regular Irregulars! How are you? Hasn’t this weather been something? And people say that I am windy.

Our email this week comes from Mr. SER, in a missive entitled “You:”

Madame Zoltar,

I have read all your articles. People asking for help, like my winning numbers to the lottery, etc.

My question is, “Are you going to make it to the Blogger party this weekend at Beejay’s”? I realize you’re a very busy people but it would be nice if you showed.
Additionally, how about telling us readers of your plans for the summer, a vacation to somewhere, fighting crime, or just “chill’in”?

......SER

My dear Mr. SER, I believe you when you say that you have read all of my blogs, but perhaps your winnings in the lottery have distracted you and affected your retention capabilities. In last week’s blog I stated, ”I also want to announce that I will be attending the upcoming bloggers’ bash. I will give a complimentary teaser psychic reading to anyone who so desires. After that, my customary 25% discount for Irregulars applies.” In any case, I still plan to be there. I’d also like to formally predict excellent weather for the event, even if only above Beejay’s house.

Thank you for you inquiry into my summer plans, Mr. SER. How thoughtful of you. I intend to do a little of all three of the activities that you mentioned. I hope to vacation in Bulgaria later this summer. There I will make a pilgrimage to the home of my mentor, Madame Vanga. I will further pursue my research into the mysterious and the arcane while enjoying the rich local culture, which may include a couple of the rich local men.

As for fighting crime, how did you know that I was preparing to offer the city of Racine a new service at a nominal cost? My Psychic Crime Predictors (or PCPs for short) can predict crime before it happens – before even the felons know what they are doing. My prognosticators are a trained group of psychics and clairvoyants who zero in on the criminal mind and could put law enforcement officials in a position to prevent crime in Racine. Of course, LEOs in Racine have repeatedly stated that they are a reactive force and not in the business of preventing crime, so the politics of this may have to be sorted out before anything could be implemented. In any case, my network of PCPs will be available to the city of Racine for a small percentage of the stimulus funds bursting out of the seams of City Hall. For that matter, the courts could remove the GPS unit attached to former mayor Becker because my PCPs will tell you when and where his next “date” will be. In fact, they could tell you that he is currently in violation of his bond and reading this online himself, right My-name-is-Gary-and-I-am-a-sex-addict?

As for chillin’, Mr. SER, you know that I know how to do that. I will be all over downtown Racine this summer like a cheap suit, kicking back and partying with the best of them. Party, party, party! There’s no better way to deal with the recessionary blues than by getting liquored up and ignoring reality. For the 95% of Racinians who cannot afford to partake of the partying in “their” downtown, they will be allowed to look, as long as they do it on off days and keep moving along. Perhaps the city could even supply shuttle buses to give the poorer residents of our city a (quick) ride through downtown so that they, too, can experience how well Racine is doing.

That’s my blog for this week, my dears. See you all at the get-together this weekend. Thank you, Beejay, for hosting us and supplying so many of the goodies. I’m casting a special good luck spell on you for your trip to town.

Don’t forget to send your comments and questions to madamezoltar@jtirregulars.com.

Hasta la bye-bye.