Hey, I thought I would use my first post to ask for some advice. Now bare with me I'm quite tired as it is almost midnight when I start this and I've been working my ass off all day (even though it's mothers day.. or maybe because it's mothers day) so dont mind the misspelled words and poor grammar.
I will give you a little background information here to set up my dilema.. I have 2 very close friends, although I'm closer to the female friend more than the male, that are married. They now have 2 girls (the youngest is almost 2 months as she as born late October) and the oldest is 4 years old. I have known these 2 for about 12 years and I have always known them as a couple. They were married in 2003.
Well quite a few years ago he was caught writting emails to a female "friend", but the content of these emails I guess were a little on the racey side. I dont know what they entailed but she was quite upset with them. She asked him to stop having contact with her as this "friendship" was making her uncomfortable. Mind you He and I can have a little flirtaeous (sp?) banter and that has never made her uncomfortable as we always did it out in the open and it was very apparent that we are just kidding around. So she is not an overly jealous person. He has been caught a couple more times contacting her and she (my friend) has always confronted him about it and he swears that he wont contact her again. The lastest time was just a few weeks ago, he was caught texting her and she confronted him about it and he wound up in tears saying he didnt start the contacting that he just responded and he actually stopped responding to her days before he was found out.
Well I found out today that my sister has seen him together with another woman at the movie theaters here in Racine about 5-6 weeks ago. She stopped to talk to him and he seemed a little surprised and on edge ( according to my sister). According to my sister my sister in law has also seen him together with this same woman at the theaters 2 other times (mind you I havent spoken to my sister in law so this is just hear say, but I do believe my sister)
So now I sit here at 10 past midnight not knowing what to do with this information. I dont know if this woman they saw him with was this woman that he was asked not to contact anymore or someone completely different or maybe a relative (but that seems doubtful as we have met most of his family and I would think if it were someone that he was close enough to go to the theaters with I would have probably met them) Why would he go to the theaters without his wife and with another woman? but then again if he was screwing around why would he go to the theaters in Racine where there are a lot of people that know him?? I'm all for men and women having platonic relationships but I also think that the spouse should be well aware of everything they are doing together. I dont know if my friend is or not... I do feel it's my friends right to know if there is something going on. These days you really need to know where your significant other is as it could cost you your life if they were to bring something back to you.
So I guess I'm just looking for a little advice on how to handle this situation. I really dont think I can just sit back and act like I know nothing.. I really wish I did know nothing, but know I know what I know and I have to do something.. but what... so please, any perspective you can give me.. thanks.. and I apologze that my first post is something like this.. not as interesting as other posts, I just dont know what to do with this. and I'm not going to proof read this as I must go and take my booty to bed as I have 2 daughters that will be waking me in just a few short hours.. I await your responses.
I believe saying nothing is dishonest, but interfering directly in someone's relationship is wrong.
ReplyDeleteI would approach the problem diagonally. The next time you are together, inquire about the recent movies they've seen. If dopey starts to squirm, ask him directly what movies he has seen.
If he is doing something innocently, he will mention his recent trip to the theater. If he doesn't, drop the subject. It means he is doing something he shouldn't, but you are not the arbiter of their relationship.
You mentioned being closer to the wife. I would tell her. If that happened to me and I found out my friends knew, I would feel more betrayed that they didn't tell me, almost like they were enabling him to keep doing it. That's just me tho
ReplyDeleteMy x was a big cheater. A lot of people knew about his affairs and no one told me about them until our marriage was over. I totally felt like the biggest dope and am still very mad at the people that knew and didn't say anything. I just don't trust them any more either! This is totally your up to you what you're going to do but if it where me I'D WANT TO KNOW. If you don't tell and she finds out you knew, it’d look like you sided with him! Either way some ones going to get very hurt by this.I wish you much luck with this one.
ReplyDeleteMy husbands first wife cheated on him and his family knew it. Once he found out, it took a lot of time to mend fences.
ReplyDeleteYour friend already knows he has been receiving e-mails and text messages. I believe it is time she knows what he has been doing while she is at home taking care of the children.
I would venture to say that deep down she knows he is up to something. Platonic friend, my butt. If he likes going to the movies, he should hire a sitter and take his wife.
Thanks you guys, it was never an option not to say anything. Like I said in my post you have to be careful and if he is messing around he could very well bring something home to her that could be very dangerous.
ReplyDeleteI was flopping between talking to him first and saying that I know he has been out with another woman and that he has the chance to say something first (as I will say something to her) because I believe it would be better coming from him than from me and going directly to her. This is something i definitely would rather not deal with but I feel a I must be loyal to my friend (she has in the past asked me to watch out for signs). I was looking forward to coming to the states and hanging out with my friends and have fun like in the old days.. ugh..
Right now I'm leaning towards going directly to her, but I dont know 100% yet.
AA I appreciate your response but I dont feel that I am the one that is interfering with their relationship. It wasn't me that was out with another woman, nor was I the other woman that is aware of him having a wife and children. And she has all the right to know that her husband and father of her children is up to no good.
I HATE ethical quandaries like this. My solution is to not get involved with other people, then you don't have to make these decisions.
ReplyDeleteI vote tell her. I've been on the other end of this.
It sounds like you want to be friends with both of them. I think you could tell her what you know as fact..he was seen at the movies with another..and let her draw conclusions. But to know this info behind her back is not nice. Like I said just tell her what you know without any embellishments.
ReplyDeleteWhat a quandry... Chances are you could end up the loser in this triangle.
ReplyDeleteMy concern is that you did not personally witness his infidelity. So you are going to end up saying, 'a friend of a friend saw ......?'
I don't know....I would want to be the one who saw something before I ran to either party.
Bottomline, tell your sister or sister in law to tell her what they saw. Or approach him with the 'rumor mill has it you have been running around town with a woman not your wife!'
My motto is "If I didn't see it myself, I don't want to be the one making a possible mistake"
ReplyDeleteIt does truly make for a very difficult situation.
Here is the really HONEST part. The TOP three people I enjoy the most on these blogs are FEMALE. That DOESN'T mean I have motives beyond being friends.
Toad does have a point...I have more men friends than women and I mean friends, just pals.
ReplyDeleteOK, so all of this drama for nothing.. I guess I feel like an ass but ah well.
ReplyDeleteI talked to my friend the female and told her that I didnt personally see but my sister saw him with another woman.. and at first she screamed WHAT?!?!? and then she asked if it was at the movie theater and I responded yes.. and she said.. oh yeah that was my sister... I guess they have gone to the movie together when neither of their spouses wants to see the movie.. my friend was well aware of what was going on, but she did say she was very happy that I would have told her.
I am really relieved that it was nothing, and it was all well known and nothing sneaky.. I guess that was the part that made me doubt it was that he was in Racine where there are many people around that know him.. it is just a little suspcious to go out with another woman without your wife..
I really thank you for all of your responses. Hopefully I will never have to be in this situation again, but I definitely appreciated your advice and perspectives.
I'd be suspicious if he starts hanging around Brookfield, though.
ReplyDeletePoor guy...everyone is trusting of 'sitings' and here it was innocent!
ReplyDeleteOrbs, to your room...I'll tell you when you can come out!
I remember a girl from work in Racine that went the way of the song by Bonnie Raitt about not trusting your partner. Sooner or later, if your gonna be accused of playing around forever, you might just as well do it. I don't remember the name of it.
ReplyDeleteWhy Not
ReplyDeleteYou are a caring, good friend.
Sweetie, tell your friend. He's cheating on his wife and she deserves to know, you are her friend, wouldn't you want to know if the tables were turned? By not telling her you are protecting his secret. What happens when she finds out about this and discovers that YOU KNEW!
ReplyDeleteI didn't have time to read all the comments here, someone else may have said this already but its my two cents.
(I would have been done with him after I caught him having sexual communication with another woman, but I have a low tolerance for cheaters and liars).
P.S. Just read the other comments. The reason I think this guy is guilty is because 1) he's already been caught by his wife and said he would stop emailing that woman 2) he did not stop
ReplyDeleteIf in doubt just say in front of hm and her "so, my friend thought she saw you out with a woman the other night, was that you?" :)
Why Not, this is exactly my point. This could have easily blown up in your face. I realize the difficult decision, but she could have easily turned on YOU, making you the bad guy. Either way, it is a tough position to be in.
ReplyDeleteAA is right, Why Not. I was afraid that would be the outcome too.
ReplyDeleteYou are a good, caring friend and they are lucky to have you in their lives.
I understood where you were coming from, although knowing my friend I know she would want me to tell if there were anything to be told. Thats all she could say to me was oh thank god it wasnt anything but I'm really glad that I know someone would tell me.
ReplyDeleteI just brought it up kinda casually just letting her know what my sister had seen.. it's difficult yes and thankfully it turned out to be nothing. I really hope not to be in a similar situation EVER again..
I thank all of you for your posts, it was really helpfull even though it was just an innocent thing.