Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello, my children! How are you? Have you been enjoying Wisconsin’s version of spring so far? I hope you didn’t put away your long johns.

I’m in a bit of a rush today as I’ve been hired on as a consultant to the Beckerphile defense team in their quest to obtain a fair trial for the poor, beleaguered former mayor of our fine city. It seems that many of Racine’s residents are prejudiced against pedophilia. Such a bias would certainly taint any jury pool from our area. How can anyone expect this man to receive a fair trial in a city that doesn’t embrace child molesters? Personally, I think he should request a change of venue to some place controlled by the Taliban. They have the proper attitude regarding children: disposable. Or maybe he could request a pardon from the Pope. In any case, this insistence by some Racinians that diddling kids is wrong, or even evil, just shows how much more work the Beckerphile had to do in our city before his term was cut short by the kiddy Nazis who are always preaching about the well-being of children. I believe that if the Beckerphile had been allowed to finish his term as mayor of Racine, we could have made great strides towards accepting the politically correct view that children should be screwed, and not heard.

I’m also thinking of coming to the aid of that new hot dog vendor in downtown Racine. You can read his story in the Journal Times online here: “Layoff leads to new Top Dog Hot Dogs”. This enterprising young man took his misfortune in hand and turned it into a business opportunity that many in Racine seem to appreciate, except for the Downtown Racine Corporation (my, this town has a lot of Nazis), who are already shooing him away from publicly owned property. Or does DRC own Monument Square now, too? Shame, shame on the pretentious dowagers and self-appointed arbiters of arrogance that infect and infest our inner city. If you little piggies keep acting like this, I may just have to make your curly tails actually sprout on the back of your trousers and skirts. Oink-oink, you wine-soaked sows, oink-oink.

Finally, speaking of pretentious dowagers and self-appointed arbiters, we have Racine’s Landmarks Preservation Commission trying to foist Gestapo-like rules and regulations on the property owners of the south side. Once again, as bullets fly and people die all over our once proud city, our leaders have provided us with more intrusion into the affairs of people who obey the laws while they absolutely ignore those who don’t. I know that it’s really hard to catch and punish lawbreakers. I know it’s really, really hard, but that doesn’t mean you should lean on decent people just because it’s easier. If our publicly paid porkers would just stop trying to wish our city into some sort of Shangri-La and instead focus on the problems at hand, perhaps we could all come together to work toward common solutions. As it is, a small clique of the powerful derisively and divisively force their agenda upon us over and over again, regardless of the realities of day-to-day life in Racine. The average person in Racine is hard pressed by the criminals at the bottom of our social strata and constantly bullied by the elitist thugs at the top. Stop it, NOW, or we will have to do something drastic.

Sorry for the political diatribe this week, my friends, but the class lines are being drawn in Racine while the demagogues and demigods of paid political influence blabber their nonsense at us. The good old boys and gals of Racine are so vacuous, so personally impotent, that the only way they can convince themselves that they are still alive is by pushing around others. How pathetic. Party on, you pigs and piglets! Madame Zoltar has a big surprise waiitng for you.

Please send your comments, questions and suggestions to me at: madamezoltar@jtirregulars.com.

See you next week, dearies. Be good, say your prayers every night, and don’t let the Beckerphile get you. Boo!