I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a cell that takes pictures these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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6 comments:
I found some more:
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why is there a light in the fridge but not one in the freezer?
I wonder about who was the first person to eat all sorts of stuff. And what about cooking? Who figured out that roasting something at a certain temperature for a certain length of time would produce a certain result? How much trial and error? How many people ate poisonous stuff before others caught on?
Maybe the professor had an ulterior motive for keeping them on the island, like some goings-on with Ginger or Mary Ann (or even the millionaire's wife).
Here are some more ponderisms that were submitted via email by someone named Jed:
It is hard to make a comeback, when you haven’t been anywhere
Karaoke is Japanese for tone deaf
A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago
My mind is like a steel trap, Rusty and illegal in 37 states
Beat the 5pm rush, don’t go to work
Everybody repeat after me, we are all individuals
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Red meat isn’t bad for you, fussy green meat is
What’s the synonym for synonym?
Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success
The following statement is true, the previous statement was false
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film
If FedEx and UPS merge would it be called Fed Up?
I speak too much before I talk
All I ask for is a chance money can’t make me happy
Originality is the art of concealing your sources
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"I found my shoe in the last place I looked."
"If you have a pear, you can always give one away."
Is that where you lost the keys?
No.
Then why are you looking there?
Because the light is better here.
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