Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello, my nubile niblets. How are you? Have you been taking precautions to avoid the flu? I keep washing my hands, but I remember only long after I’ve had contact with other people. By then I’m sure my hands have been all over the place. Ahem. I really don’t like to dabble too much in the medical arts (MDs and their lawyers are a testy lot), but I may end up giving Racine a hand if they can’t round up some more flu vaccine. Perhaps a shipment or two intended for our over-served neighboring counties could be “accidentally” routed our way. You never know what might happen once the goods leave the facility. Ahem, ahem.

I was going to comment on our beloved Packers heartbreaking loss to the hapless Buccaneers, but I just don’t have the heart. On a related subject, I still haven’t pinned down the elusive Mr. Favre, but when I do, I’m going to use ring shank nails.

We received a couple of emails this week. The first one came from the irrepressible Mr. Huck Finn, who wrote:

Dear Madam,

I’ve felt bad that you’ve not had any questions come your way, and have had some for awhile. Back in 2005 I swore it’d be the year Huck gets a Harlot, but that didn’t happen. In 2006 I tried Bill gets a Babe, but that too didn’t happen. In 2008 I was determined that Denny gets a Diva (I change my name a lot) and alas that too was a bomb. While I did have dinner with a gal that claimed the carpet matched the curtains… nothing came of that but good conversation. I’m wondering what I should name 2010. Would you happen to have a name that’d work some magic? Looking at all the bride brokers, there has to be some girl somewhere in the world desperatexxxxx adventurous enough, so I’m also wondering which country has the best pickings. Those Romanian women are awful hot, what do you think about a fine Russian bride? Maybe I should look into a Taiwanese gal like my cousin did. He’s happily married and living like a king over there now. For some reason it just seems it’d be easier to pull the wool over the eyes… uh I mean impress a foreign gal than a local. What do you think?

Another question deals with gold. I see gold is going up, up, up, and I’m wondering when (date and time) over the next year would be a good time to sell. I have some darts and calendar which may give me as good an idea as any, but you do have that crystal ball, and might give a word more than, “When it’s high enough” for advice. I hear Bride brokers aren’t cheap and those Romanian women can be real gold diggers.

Huck

Dear Mr. Huck Finn, thank you so much for your concern about the number of queries that I receive. I am not troubled by a lack of emails from my friends; I take it to mean that they are doing well. And I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I seem to do pretty well at jabbering away enough to fill up the space in my blogs. However, I always appreciate hearing from my beloved Irregulars, especially when they are in need of my services.

In response to your request for a name to give 2010, the first thing that popped into my devilish mind was Wade gets Laid, but I’m sorry, that’s not nice. Ahem again. How about Al gets a Gal, or Brady gets a Lady? As for your questions concerning Romanian women, I must admit to some prejudice: Romanian women are the finest in the world. You would do well to meet one. I do not know about bride brokers, they are affiliated with a different union, but you are correct in your thinking that a woman from a foreign land will help you achieve what you desire. A fish out of water, as it were, will be easier to hook.

You know, for that nasty remark about Romanian women being gold diggers, I should give you the wrong date to sell your gold. I’m not that way, though, Mr. Finn. I love all of my Irregulars. The day to sell your gold is Friday the 13th. I think. Ahem.

The second email came from the lustrous Lizardmom, who wrote:

dearest madame zoltar,
would it at all be possible for winter to afflict the south instead this year? I am very certain that those poor souls down there miss the snow that we have seen plenty of. I think it's time to share. We can handle the burden of having to have a warm winter, it's the least we can do, can you hook us up? please???

forever yours, lizardmom
(lizards like it warm!)

Dearest Lizardmom, thank you for contacting me with your question. It’s always good to hear from you. I agree that those in the southern latitudes have been deprived of a white Christmas for far too long. Unfortunately, as I have stated elsewhere, Mother Nature and I are not the dearest of friends. Ahem. She seems to take particular delight in interrupting my astral projection pathways with meteorological events. In any case, MN does not seem inclined to agree to any of my exhortations, nor is she susceptible to my considerable powers. Too bad. I also like it hot. I have been sending dear Mother telepathic communications on a regular basis imploring for mercy this winter, but truly one can only hope.

I also intend to make an appearance at the JTI Bowling Extravaganza and Bake Sale. Wait till you try my home made baklava. Because of my “extra” abilities, I’ve been banned from bowling tournament play, but I promise to go easy on my friends. I’ll be the one with a turban.

Don’t forget to forward your anagrams and launch codes to: madamezoltar@jtirregulars.com.

Thank you all for reading my blog. I really appreciate you taking the time to spend with me. Have a beautiful week, each and every one of you. Vivaldi!