Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I need help (duh, like that's a surprise!)

Tell me a joke...oh boy, here come SER and LizardMom....tell me a really good, CLEAN joke...

kk, how much pie is left now??? And can I have the recipe??? I love amaretto!
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10 comments:

kkdither said...

Stop talking about that darn pie! There WAS more of it, until you mentioned it again! (I didn't make it, but I could probably get the recipe)

****************
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother began to get edgy in her seat, got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".

December 29, 2009 at 9:18 AM
Beejay said...

Pretty funny...next.......

December 29, 2009 at 11:35 AM
SER said...

Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

Bob asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him They take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.


The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".

Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass."

December 29, 2009 at 8:47 PM
drewzepmeister said...

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
_________________________

December 29, 2009 at 8:53 PM
OrbsCorbs said...

The 3 stages of man:

He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.

December 29, 2009 at 9:15 PM
Beejay said...

SER, only one posting...tsk, tsk, tsk....

December 30, 2009 at 7:37 AM
kkdither said...

I LOVE the lottery one! Still laughing! :)

December 30, 2009 at 9:04 AM
Beejay said...

I'm still laughing at 'come on, Dick, let's go.'

December 30, 2009 at 6:47 PM
SER said...

President Obama was having that one, lone brief conversation this year with General McChrystal about Afghanistan.

Things were obviously not going the way the General had hoped.

Obama could sense this, and told him, "I bet when I die, you'll piss on my grave."

To which General McChrystal answers, "No sir, I've always said that when I get out of the Army, I'll never again wait in another line."

December 30, 2009 at 10:29 PM
Anonymous said...

Keep posting stuff like this i really like it.

January 5, 2010 at 4:31 AM

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