We have probably all gagged on those little conversation hearts that turn up everywhere around Valentine's Day. Well, finally we have a cure for the terminally single and hostile amongst us...Bittersweets. These little hearts carry a somewhat different message than the traditional ones such as "She cooks", "Kiss a Frog", "Prenup, okay?" and "Booty 2 Big". They come in three collections: Dejected, Dysfunctional, and Dumped depending on your situation...or get the three pack for only $19.95!Brought to you by the good folks at Despair.com, one of my favorite cures for the office blues.
All of a sudden I'm feeling soooo melancholic :|
ReplyDeleteThat's great. I'd like to come up with my own messages, though.
ReplyDeleteI just ordered some...the message you get after you place your order is, "There goes Another Dissatisfied Customer!. They say there's one of you born every minute!"
ReplyDeleteI am posting the confirmation email I got from Despair.com (except for my order info). It shows the high leve of customer service you can expect.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your recent order from Despair, Inc.
I'd like to personally welcome you to our growing body of Dissatisfied Customers(tm), but to do so might evidence some actual concern for service and protocol. This might then lead to customer satisfaction, which would defeat
the purpose altogether. That is why you have received this generic, form-generated email, written by some nameless lackey in our marketing department.
Having established that any pretense of consideration
for *your* needs would be counter-productive to our raison d'etre at Despair Inc, let us now ponder a subject of greater interest to those among us who are
worthy of both of our collective attentions - that person being me.
While you sit there wincing in disbelief at these bons mots of authentic insincerity and vexed by the intrinsic contradictions, I find I am beside myself with awe at the specimen of unparalleled angst that is the Despair, Inc. Blog.
http://blog.despair.com
Hardly a man given to superlatives, I must nevertheless assert with David-Lee-Rothian boldness that we are demonstrably without peer in the Relentless Pursuit of
Dejection. Do not the weekly whinings of this anonymous
Peon is in the Marketing Department inspire YOU to new lows?
"But I'm unstable enough as it is- why would I want to read the grousings of some other malcontent who is unhappy with his job?", you might ask.
Because that very malcontent is also providing attentive
Despair customers with rare, super-steep discounts,
exclusive products, and occasionally an amusing slice
of behind-the-scenes life at Despair. (Or so I'm told-
I can't be bothered to read that junk...)
At long last, after this lengthy exploitation of your attention for purely selfish marketing purposes, let us move on to yet another advertisement for our
company.
In anticipation of your next question- "How can I subject
myself to even further marketing attempts by Despair?" Well, you're in luck! Because Despair offers several additional opportunities to be on the receiving end on a steady stream of angst wrapped inside advertisements and covered in coupons. Those willing to endure the agony of it all will find themselves rewarded often with
savings and freebies beyond belief.
The Wailing List - (The Official E-Mail Newsletter of Despair)
http://www.despair.com/subscribe1.html
The Wailing List Twitter Feed (An Unofficial Experiment by
a Marketing Peon in the Limits of Your Endurance- with an
occasional coupon code thrown in...) http://twitter.com/wailinglist
Alas- if you find that even daily contact from the forces of
Despair Marketing personnel is simply not enough to satisfy
your needs, well... Seriously? You might need a hobby... The
only people subjected to more frequent abuse at our hands
are our employees- and take it from us, there is such a thing
as too much of a bad thing...
If any of the information shown below is inaccurate, please notify us immediately using our Troubled Ticketing system.
http://www.despair.com/trti.html
We will rectify your error immediately, and on some occasions,
without snickering.
It is the least we can do, which, as a matter of policy, is the most we can do.
Sincerely not really writing you this email,
E.L.
E.L.Kersten, Ph.D.
Founder & COO,
Despair, Inc.
Beauty!
ReplyDeleteE.L. is relly into despair.
ReplyDeleteThis link is hilarious: http://www.despair.com/trti.html
I LOVE Despair.com!!I have a wish list from their catalog and just wish more of what I want would be available in the mugs :(
ReplyDelete