This is supposedly a true story from a few Doctors:
"At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slight deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
Yes, they used to be." replied the patient"
Next:
"While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion, she answered....'Why not for about twenty years...when my husband was alive.'
Okay those are my two for tonight...you guys can take it from here.
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A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
The Candy With The Little Hole
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red.....................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ...............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.
"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
Longest Nerve in the Body?
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to
the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty
outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a
tear to your eye!
Two Tennessee Deer hunters hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged four.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only two moose.
The two hunters objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot four moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded.
Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck, Leroy asked Bubba, "Any idea where we are?"
Bubba replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
A teacher asks her class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second little girl says, "Predator."
Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
Then little Johnny puts up his hand and says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word too, but I don't think we can count it because it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my mum has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
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