Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello, my crusty croissants! How are you? Did you enjoy our brief heat wave last week? I heard that if you were near Lake Michigan, it was still pretty cool. Today’s weather is more seasonal. "April is the cruellest month . . ." wrote Mr. TS Eliot at the beginning of his famous poem, The Waste Land. I suppose that’s because of those showers. But don’t forget that they bring us May flowers. And they help wash away the debris that accumulates over winter. So “if it's raining, have no regrets; because it isn't raining rain, you know, it's raining violets.”

Before I get to this week’s email, I want to say a few words about a new product that I encountered as a result of being a JT Irregular: Mini Chill®. In fact, you might say that I’m doing a mini-review it. Oh dear. Let me say right off, I give Mini Chill® an all thumbs up. People probably think it’s pretty easy being a psychic and spiritual advisor, but let me tell you, at the end of the day I am wound tighter than a three day alarm clock. I am so tense from tending to the needs of my clients and overseeing operations at Zoltar® Inc. Then when I do try to relax at home, Junior usually starts up with that loud robot dance of his (forever emulating the father he never knew). It gets to me and I really need something to help me relax. Thanks to the benevolence of the makers of Mini Chill®, I’ve discovered just the right thing. At first, I wasn’t sure why Mini Chill® worked so well, put then I read up a little about it on their website: http://minichill.com/lab/. Now I understand that it is the Relarian™ in the Mini Chill® that calms my jangled nerves and soothes my wretched soul. I can’t thank you enough, Mini Chill®, for the peace that you’ve brought to my days and nights.

This week’s missive arrived from the astounding Ms. kkdither a few days ago:

My dearest Madame,

I received an email this morning from Mr. Zoltar! He is claiming innocence in the dreadlocks affair... Typical man!

He also informed me he is not well. Beejay's assessment was correct. He claims it is Heart Rot. I looked it up online and this is what I found:

"Heart rot in living trees is caused by fungi which have the ability to decay wood. These fungi gain entrance to the wood of the tree through wounds, branch stubs, etc., which expose the bare wood. ... The rot will... usually be confined to a small central core of the trunk (how fitting) and the structural integrity of the tree will be maintained."

He wished me to convey that his lawyer has transferred all remaining assets to be disbursed amongst the thousands of Zoltar clones still in tact across the southern states. There was no mention of your son.

My heartfelt condolences, Madame. With what you have told us, I can only imagine how he contracted this disease...

Yours truly,
kkdither

(For those of you unfamiliar with what transpired last week concerning my ex-husband, and for those who need a refresher, here’s a link to the blog and comments: http://www.jtirregulars.com/2010/03/dear-madame-zoltar_31.html .)

Dear Ms. kk, thank you so much for conveying the above information to me. I must admit to a sudden surge of decidedly mixed emotions upon reading your email. Oh my. My first thought was that it is all too fitting for such a slut. He’ll end up a hollowed out shell of a man. (Indeed, the aforementioned TS Eliot also authored a poem entitled “The Hollow Men.” I wonder if he knew my ex.)

Of course, I expected him to deny responsibility for his shenanigans and dastardly deeds. And though he has heart rot, it cuts me to the heart to hear that he has completely disinherited our son. What a shameful parody of a man he is! He’s just been going through the motions for years. He is a con who hustles for pocket change. Though I wish no one harm, I cannot find a lot of sympathy within myself for him at this time.

Thank you for reading my blog, my dear, wonderful friends. What would I do without you? What would you do without me? Oh no, let’s not think like that. We have each other. That’s all we ever have.

Send your tips and tales to: madamezoltar@jtirregulars.com.

Enjoy your week, Irregulars. Remember to pick up some Mini Chill® from your local retailer. If he is out of stock, demand that he order a few skid loads. It is your right as an American citizen to consume. Neorama!