Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello, my beauteous bluebells! How are you? Has it been a week already? My, how time flies when you are doing the jobs of three people, but getting paid only 75¢ on the dollar for one. Oppressed sisters of the world, unite! Oh my, where did that come from? It must be all the stress of trying to run the business and raise a son and maintain a house and a hundred other things. Oh dear.

Here I am the one who is supposed to be giving advice, and I’m complaining. Well, it’s my blog and you are my dear Irregular family, so who better to tell my troubles to? “Physician, heal thyself.” Maybe, but I’m no MD, just a Certified Master Psychic. Sometimes we all need a little break from the daily grind, even when your grind is providing other people with their breaks. So excuse me while I let down my hair a little bit and take a load off.

In my line of work, I deal with the public a lot. Some days more than others, but always to some extent. They are my bread and butter, and the bane of my existence. I’ve learned to tolerate or cope with a lot over the years. But certain things just keep coming up like snake eyes on a craps table. The number one offender, in my opinion, is the cheapskate who wants a million dollar future with a fifteen dollar price tag. Sorry, sweetheart, but like so many other things, you get what you pay for with me. If you want the cut-rate version, visit the Lake Hag under South Pier, if you can catch her sober.

A related nuisance that I encounter too often is those people who are unwilling to accept their limitations. Silk from a sow’s ear? Not a problem, usually. But I cannot go against the laws of nature and turn you into something that your soul is not. I don’t transform devils into angels, or vice versa. You have to speak to a higher authority to deal with those issues. I just work here.

Finally, please don’t wait until a situation is milliseconds from doom before you contact me. I can’t undo decades of neglect in an instant. Again, that kind of thing belongs upstairs. I am capable of some quick, short term actions, but it will cost you and I shy away from the illegal stuff. (I don’t care what my ex told you!) Zoltar® brand products and personal readings and advice are for serious students of the arcane arts. If you received your 4th DUI citation and are looking for a way out of it, get a lawyer, not me. (I’m the one who could have told you about the traffic stop beforehand so that you could avoid it, but you were too cheap to pay a “dumb fortuneteller.” Ha ha!) Of course, if you are an Irregular, my services are always available to you at a greatly reduced price.

Thank you so much, my dear friends, for allowing me to whine about work in my blog this week. I love each and every one of you. Madame Zoltar watches over her Irregulars, like a bat in the Romanian night sky.

Send your comments, questions, cheers and jeers to: madamezoltar@jtirregulars.com.

Have you been listening to the sounds of the birds this spring? They are calling to you and me. They want to share with us in the joy and beauty of the season. Guano!