Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello, my beautiful blossoms! How are you? I believe that someone has turned the summer switch to “on.” Hasn’t it been lovely lately? I know that the weatherman says it will rain today, but tomorrow we’re supposed to see the sun again, and more after that, with highs in the 70’s. That sounds perfect. We need the rain to foster the lush growth of spring. And we need the sunshine for the same reason. Balance. Something that many of us struggle with. Oh my.

I’m going to get on my soapbox again this week and simply ask, “Why isn’t somebody plugging our Gulf oil leak?” I have a client in the wonderful city of Milwaukee who has a terrific suggestion for stemming the flow of oil. He asks, “What did they use when the Chicago River started flooding the tunnels below the Loop?” The answer: mattresses. It’s true; they were amongst the first items shoved into the breach. My client suggests a massive mattress collection campaign, perhaps worldwide, to supply enough mattresses to sink down into the rupture in the Gulf to absorb and eventually stop the flow of oil. And I’m just irregular enough to think that it may work. Certainly nothing else has thus far. Give up your mattresses! Sleep on the floor for the environment!

I received an email this week from the esteemed Mr. Logjam. He wrote:

Greetings Dearest Madame,

As you know, our local baseball team the Brewers has not been doing well at all. I am somewhat worried and bothered by it. As you see, for my birthday party today, I am taking my 4 kids and 4 of their friends to tonight's (May 26th) game against the Astros. Not only would it be a very disappointing birthday present to see them lose, I would have also pissed away $800 bucks (plus 2 preferred parking tickets at $13 a piece) on seats behind the dugout down the drain to watch them loose. I have not fared well with the Brewers playing on my birthday. Last year, when they put the Happy Birthday list on the scoreboard, they spelled by name wrong.

Is there some kind of hocus pocus you could work on them to make them win? Like making sure the pitchers have less balls, and the batters more bangers?

Your divine and benevolent intervention would be greatly appreciated.

Yours in spiritual existence,
Logjam

Oh my, Mr. Logjam, let me be amongst the first to wish you a very Happy Birthday! May you enjoy a plethora more.

You know, fiddling around with major league sports is against federal law. That’s why it’s so much fun. Oh dear. Ha-ha. In any case, Mr. Logjam, I cannot publicly guarantee you that our beloved Brewers will perform magically for you tonight against the despised Astros, even though that is certainly what you deserve for your birthday. I can’t guarantee it here because the feds monitor my blogs. That’s right, dearies, with my connections and my abilities, it’s hard to maintain a low profile on everybody’s radar. The men in black are part of the regular irregular readers of my musings here and elsewhere.

In short, Mr. Logjam, I won’t say that the Brewers will repeat last night’s win tonight, because I can’t. But I can say that, again, I wish you a very Happy Birthday. May your birthday wishes come true. (Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.) May you and your family and friends have a wonderful night at the ballpark. Enjoy yourselves. I wouldn’t be surprised if everything went just right tonight.

I am always surprised and overwhelmed by the love and loyalty shown to me by my dear Irregulars. Thank you for reading my blog (even you G-men) and thank you for being you. I treasure our time together.

Send your confidential information and secret files to: madamezoltar@jtirregulars.com.

Enjoy the splendors of spring. Pretty soon it will get “buggy” like it does every summer. I really dislike them. Mosquitoes, and flies, and ants, oh my! Pleochroism!