In the news is a Gal that has been selling suicide kits for $60. Cheap! Included in her kit is the book, "The Final Exit." Great book. Back in 1994 I was given a year to live due to a terrible cancer. Someone gave me that book. I'm a fighter and fought hard. I had two thoracic surgeries, chemo and rad, and when all seemed at the end, I told my Docs I was going on vacation, and went. The plan was to do my last vacation and finish my exit when I got home. I'm glad I went on vacation instead of pulling my plug too early as I went into remission. The Docs now say I can use the word "Cured." Before all the Thumpers start praising their gods, let it be known I'm an Atheist and have been one for fifty years.
The secondary problems caused by the intensive cancer remedies are causing their own problems and someday I will use the Final Exit. I live life on my terms though and would NEVER bow out due to depression. Life is always full of surprises and we never know what tomorrow might bring. That's why I'm still around. Through the pain, discomfort, heart attacks and other problems, my curiosity always has wondered, "What will happen tomorrow?"
A few weeks ago I was informed a good skydiving buddy, JJ, had pulled his plug. I asked what the med prob had been and was told no med prob, it had been depression. Mary was shocked at my vehemence over JJ's exit. I'm sorry Orbs, but I do NOT forgive the use of suicide to relieve depression. I too fight depression, but realize that tomorrow might be so interesting that today's depression is forgotten. I'm not saying I won't ever go the route of letting myself out the door, in fact my close friends know that if I have a stroke caused by the blood clot I'm currently fighting, I'm gone. I just can't see sitting warehoused in a nursing home as a stroked paraplegic. At that point there aren't anymore tomorrows that would interest me. Until then the book is on the shelf and the ice cream in my freezer.
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I'm with you on this. Sometimes I think I should be depressed but I'm not. As you said Tomorrow is always a surprise. I bought the book a while back and it was very interesting. I look around and so many people have it worse than me. So maybe I'm depressed but don't know it. Ha Ha Keep up the attitude!
I forgot to add my depression comes from the sameness EVERY day. My only release is work and that is 6 hrs a week. But like I said who knows about tomorrow. We could have a tornado then I'd really be sad. Ha Ha Maybe not..the sameness would be gone.
Why was I mentioned by name in this blog?
Differentiate between clinical depression and situational depression. Clinical depression is a disease, not a "bad mood" that might change tomorrow. Telling someone who has had clinical depression for over 50 years that "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" is arrogant and condescending beyond belief. It's not temporary when you have had it your entire life.
I quit a shrink last October because I had been telling him for months that the antidepressant was not working. He ignored me. I got my regular doctor to script the antidepressant while I looked for another shrink. (You go through withdrawal with the SSRIs.)
Over the holidays, my stomach and bowels went out big time. I was in the ER and seeing doctors left and right. I was sick for three months and lost 30 pounds. I'm still sick. The final diagnosis? Untreated clinical depression affecting my IBS. When was the last time that a "bad mood" hospitalized you and lost you 30 pounds? I had no idea of what the fuck was going on. I thought I was dying.
Now I'm starting with another shrink in a couple of weeks. this wil take months to withdraw from the current SSRI and start on another. If that one doesn't work, then it's months again to do another. Meanwhile, I am puking and shitting my pants the entire time. I have to know where every toilet is in every store I go to. Half the days, I can't even leave my apartment.
I am not sitting here in a "bad mood" feeling sorry for myself. I think if you check my blogs for the past few months you'll see that there is plenty of humor in them, as always. I continue to do my duties to the best of my abilities, caring for mom as best as I can. I babysat a neighbor's cat and still help out around the apartment building. Yet my bowels and stomach erupt like Mt. St Helens and the doctors say it is because of depression. So what the fuck am I supposed to do? Laugh at the diarrhea running down my leg?
I would NEVER presume to know another's life well enough to make life decisions for them. NEVER. I cannot imagine the arrogance to sit in judgement of people suffering from things I do not understand and then to condemn them for their choices? Who made you God? When have I ever said anything about YOUR life?
You have NO rights over my life or anyone else's. I am insulted.
So what the fuck am I supposed to do? Laugh at the diarrhea running down my leg?
Hell NO Orbs...you have to get a screen door and see if you can shit through it without hitting a wire... :)
And you are exactly right, "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem". And most people who attempt suicide will try again until they succeed
Sorry I think I got in the middle of something I know nothing about. Usual for me.
I don't know enough about prolonged or clinical depression. I think we all waft in and out of depressed moments, but to have something that persists has to be monumental to deal with. Orbs, I know what you have been dealing with has been sheer hell and I sincerely hope the change ahead will help your situation. You are a good human and deserve resolution.
On a more positive note, the human spirit and will to live is hard to even conceptualize. When my mother was down and out... and I mean down and out, she fought like nothing I've ever seen. She wanted to see the next day. It was inspirational, even though it was painful to watch. Even when things became hopeless, she didn't give in. At one of the lowest points... the television droning Jeopardy in the background, she just having a respirator removed, she opened her eyes and said, "What is cranberry?" And she had the right answer to the question. I about fell off my chair!
Suicide is not an answer. It does end the pain, but leaves horrible pain for those who loved you.
Rotting in a bed, when there is no chance of a recovery is not the way anyone should have to go. The trick is to find the right doctors, and they are out there, who will help you die painless and with some shred of dignity.
Huck, you live every day with physical difficulties that I cannot even imagine dealing with. In fact, if I had to, I probably would kill myself. So, if your point is that you are a better man than me, you win.
"Suicide is not an answer. It does end the pain, but leaves horrible pain for those who loved you."
We are all going to die anyway. Choosing when may be the only free act that any human can perform.
My entire life I have been told I must do things because others' feelings will be "hurt" if I don't. Not once have I ever made a "loved one" jump through a hoop or threatened them with feeling "hurt" if they don't do something that I want. That's not love, that's extortion.
I stand by my statement, no extortion intended. Those left behind in any death feel pain. Those left behind by suicide always wonder if there was something they could have done to help ease the other person's pain.
grrrr. I just lost a long post. Orbs i didn't mean to offend you. While i have a high mechanical aptitude, I'm a social dunce. I admire you, respect you, and worry about you.
What a great story. So happy you shared It. This past Dec. My sister gave up, because of stage 4 colon cancer. She didn't do anything to assist her death, but she really didn't fight It either. Your nursing home analogy makes sense to me. No way do I want to roll around hanging half out of a wheel chair (not being cold hearted) drooling all over myself. Your amazing.
I lost my first post, too. Very frustrating. I've learned to open notepad, compose my rant, then copy it to notepad, then post it. If blogger loses it, I can re-post it.
I respect and admire you, too, Huck. I don't want you or anyone to worry about me. Quite frankly, I don't know why you would. Have I been whining about depression? If so, I didn't realize it and I apologize. I also apologize for the heated tone of my comments.
I agree with Toad about your story and your life.
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