I had just come out of the store with two porterhouse steaks, a jumbo sausage, a bag of chips, and a 6-pack of beer. A homeless man sat there and said, "I haven't eaten for two days." I told him, "I wish I had your will power.
Top tip: if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex. Wish me luck.....I appear in court next Monday.
A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said, 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually.'
I was behind a rather large woman at the checkout. She had on a pair of jeans that said, 'Guess.'
I said, "I don't know........maybe 350 pounds."
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance with a face like that!"
I have a new pick up line that works every time! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes, "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"
Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away.' But since many doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best.
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently Blacks and Mexicans were not the correct answers.
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16 comments:
What can you say about this? I am verklempt.
These are jokes from a famous comedian who had a special on The Comedy Channel . I can place his face, but not his name. He is very funny, in an off-beat, non-politically correct sense.
Sounds like a Don Rickles or Rodney Dangerfield type of gig KK
Nope, jed, this is a younger guy. I believe he might be British?
I saw Rodney Dangerfield in concert. He was a riot. He's been gone 7 years already. Hard to remember who is still alive.
Jim Gaffigan is coming to Milwaukee again. It was just announced. He has been doing a yearly concert over the New Year's holiday. He is very funny, if you have the ability and opportunity to go, you should try to see him. His show is very clean, no bad or offensive language.
I think these are more of his jokes:
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that's when the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station
And then the fight started....
Thanks for the info KK, I don't know Jim Gaffigan, but his name even sounds funny.
Yes, Rodney was a piece of work, really he is dead? I need to pay attention more, makes me want to watch CaddyShack for the ninth million time.
Last summer I saw Seinfeld, (sorry KK), he was great. Many years ago, in California, I went to a comedy club and saw Robin Williams, even before Mork & Mindy, man was he ever crude, but funny as hell.
That same trip I sat at a bar next to Jacqueline Smith and chatted. Man oh man.
How about...
My wife told me she wanted me to take her some place she had never been to before... so I suggested the kitchen...
Then Yada, yada, yada
And that's when the fight started. lol
KK...It wasn't Don Rickles was it?
No, it was on Comedy Central, but I can't seem to find it. Looks like his jokes are posted on a lot of blog pages.
Jed, no apologies. I saw Seinfeld in Milwaukee, too. His opening act, Tom Papa is hilarious! He is also one of those guys who can say things you shouldn't say, but yet get away with it.
Yeah, KK, kind of like women from Texas. They can be calling you the worse person in the world, but with that accent, who would know? lol
Too much empathy I guess. I never liked don Rickles. I saw him on TV a few times as a kid and he was always bullying people and demeaning them. If they didn't like it, he'd make their plight worse and claim they deserved it. I found him mean and offensive.
Dangerfield on the other hand was self deprecating. Hard to hate a guy that holds himself up to the crowd to face their good natured derision. As far as his wife jokes go, I believe he was married to the same gal most of his life.
Mean hateful jokes are just another form of bullying and I faced a lot of it as a buck toothed geeky kid growing up. As much as he complained he got no respect, I thought Dangerfield was tops. Short, round and offensive, Rickles was not.
More like Ron White.
W. C. Fields was drunk one night, and his wife approached him and clearly stated. "Your Drunk" to which he replied. "Ya well, your ugly. tommorow, I'll be sober, and you will still be ugly"
I'd love to see Ron White. Just when you think his story has gotten to the point of extreme hilarity, he pulls out more....
Toad, I don't know the original source of that joke, but I have always heard it as something Winston Churchill said to Lady Astro (I have some British friends so that may be a case of Shakespeare being better in the original Klingon if you follow my metaphors).
SER, you put a smile on my face. Thanks.
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