Random Thoughts

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of
the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I
made it home OK! 

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next bowel movement
could spell disaster.
 

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or
"foreplay" as she likes to call it.  

 After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she
killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Screw
it, soldier on!”

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered
McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster-skin coat last week. Took her to the fair

last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I
masturbated while thinking about my sister.” “That's a disgrace”, said
the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to
this country so that they can see their own doctor.