Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello, my friendsicles!  How are you?  I said, how are you?  If you take off the five layers of hats, scarves, ski masks and earmuffs on your head, you might be able to hear me.  If you can, here’s the news: bundle back up.  We’re going down below zero again.  How low can we go?  Please, no record attempts.  As the winter has hardened me, I now accept temperatures in the single digits below zero as tolerable, at least for a short while.  However, I can’t tolerate teens and twenties below zero.  That belongs in arctic regions.  “Polar vortex,” indeed.  Our country is polarized enough.  Some would say too much.  So swirl your vortex down the toilet bowl.  We’ve had enough of this.

I attended the premiere of Pattern or Practice on Monday night.  The glitterati and beautiful people were everywhere.  It was a little chilly outside, but the warm crowd inside more than made up for that.  I love the Oriental Theatre.  It was the perfect venue for the showing of the documentary.  It’s a terrible shame that things have to deteriorate to the point that people feel their only recourse is to make a movie to expose the racism in city administration.  We shall overcome this, too.

Welcome back to Mr. Mayor Dickert, who recently returned from Mexico.  He should return the favor by paying for the citizens of Racine to fly to Mexico and back during winter.  I’d love to visit Cancun again.

Mr. President Obama admits that he inhaled.  He says marijuana is not good for you, but it’s not worse than alcohol.  Hurray.  The worst thing about smoking marijuana is the damage done to the lungs and cardiovascular system.  Drinking alcohol, on the other hand, attacks every organ in the body.  I’m just waiting for legalization to come to Wisconsin so that I can market my new product, Madame Zoltar’s® No-Frowny-Brownies™, made from the finest “herbs” and chocolate.  No smoke, no poison, just pure enjoyment, plus gaining 50 pounds or more.

If legalization does come, I’ll applaud it, but we must come up with a way to readily detect marijuana-impaired drivers.  I don’t want to be the victim of someone’s midnight munchies run.  Like alcohol, use it responsibly, or lose your right to drive.  We should toughen our laws on impaired driving in general, but the Wisconsin Tavern League and liquor lobby see to it that they remain lax.  Oh my.

As if we don’t already have enough to worry about, along comes the news that the Milky Way is forming “inside out:” (http://natmonitor.com/2014/01/21/dont-panic-but-the-milky-way-galaxy-formed-inside-out/) No wonder everything is screwed up on Earth.  We’re doing it backwards.

Thank you, thank you, my dear, dear friends and readers.  Thank you for stopping by to spend a little time with me.  I crave company and visitors.  I love you.

If the Milky Way is inside out, should you wear your underpants on the outside of your clothes?  Ask madamezoltar@jtirregulars.com

Take the necessary precautions in the perverse cold.  You know the drill.  Be careful.  Minor annoyances can become life-threatening situations in the arctic air.  Valetudinarian!