Content warning -
Rambling therapeutic rant of sorts ahead....
I enjoy a good holiday. Recently, I've sought out fun holidays that you don't hear about until it's too late. Some are fun, some are for a cause, some are just weird. Some I can really get into - for instance, next week, the 22nd is national Chocolate Eclair Day. Definitely celebrating that one!
Then there are the established ones, and the one coming up always feels like a punch in the gut to me.
Fathers Day..... Not a fan.
I'm happy for those that had good fathers or at least tolerable ones, ones that were there in some fashion. Kids that had happy childhoods and fathers they could count on.
I realize that I'm not the only 'fatherless' kid out there. Some don't even know who their fathers are. Some come not only from broken but completely shattered homes. Some of us, grew up exposed to abuse, others, neglect, or even abandonment. For those of us, Father's day sucks.
I enjoy celebrating my husband, who is a great dad to our girls. That part, yes, I enjoy and he is worth celebrating. His dad, who wholeheartedly stepped up and was a stand in dad to me, has been gone a decade already. That still breaks my heart. He was an amazing guy who I'm glad to have had there for me. My own 'father', I've been estranged from for over 35 years and have only seen him maybe 3 times in all those years. Fathers day is a reminder of the feeling of not being lovable, not being good enough, not being enough for him not to be a monster. Yes, he was evil, and it felt like I wasn't good enough for him not to be horrible to. All these years later and that feeling still plagues me. I hate when it gets to me, then I get very angry and unpleasant. Great legacy you left, dear ol' 'dad'...
To the fatherless out there who either don't know, didn't know or unfortunately did know your fathers, it's not your fault. Some dads are just bad, and some are beyond horrible. It's not our fault. Try to let go of the guilt of not feeling like you're good enough or unlovable. It takes a LOT of work and is a life long process. Shoot, I'm 50 and I still suck at it. Know you're good enough and worth loving, even if you never felt it growing up or at whatever stage of life you are in. Dads can be terribly damaging. I may be bumped, bruised and dented but I'm still standing. Find a way to shine. Don't let their horrible example take away who you are. I don't want to only shine, I want to sparkle, gosh darn it!
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2 comments:
the part that really gets me too, is that my father in law was an awesome guy, lived well, took care of himself and died of cancer. my 'father' drank himself into oblivion, smoked like a freight train and is still kicking... it's not fair that the good die too early and the evil ones seem to just keep going... granted, he's terribly alone in Texas, tho my sisters try to have a relationship with him, completely oblivious to what he was. They were far too young to remember. Lucky me, being older, I can never forget.......
What a heavy load we carry, those who have had 'bad' childhoods. Some people, like you and me, it sticks forever. Others seem to be able to overcome their bad starts. My dad was an alcoholic and I now realize he suffered from depression. What I hated the most was the constant fighting between my parents. They'd go out and get drunk, then come home and fight for hours. Telling myself I'm lovable (where's the proof?) and talking back to negative thoughts hasn't helped me much. The negative thoughts always win because there's such a huge load of them.
Thanks for sharing your feelings, lizardmom. You're not alone. Far from it.
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