Dear Madame Zolter

Hello, my tits for tats!  How are you? There's some nasty bug going around and I'm going out of my way to avoid the infected people.  So far, so good.  I was in line in the grocery store the other day and another woman was in front of me.  She kept talking to me and coughing in my face at the same time.  I put a curse on every cell in her body causing the cold/flu.  The next day, I'm sure she was yammering about her "miracle" cure.

Our weather hasn't exactly been miraculous, but it's darn near. One day I'm wearing a light sweater and the next I'm bundling up for an arctic blast.  My landscaping buddy says we're about normal for rain now, but we could always use a little more.  And the sun is out!  That will become more rare as the winter progresses. I can tolerate this.  15 degrees and the sun out.  OK.  But I hate those dips below zero. Any weather considered life threatening is not my friend.  How did our caveman ancestors stay warm?  I hear that if you slaughter a horse or other large animal, you can then lay inside of the carcass to stay warm for hours.  That's a little messier than going to Boston Store, but just as effective.  Hmm, I wonder if I could kill all my enemies and lie in their carcasses?  Actually, I'd prefer to just slaughter them.

Our majestic and monumental Green Bay Packers have held on to enter the playoffs in a wildcard position.  This coming Sunday, January 8, the Packers host the New York Giants at 3:40 pm.  Go murder them, boys.  Hmm, "boys."  I wonder if any woman ever tried out for the NFL?  If so, she probably got creamed.

I hate to be the one who tells you so, but . . . I TOLD YOU SO!  Junior was out on New Year's Eve driving Señor Zanza's car, with his blessing.  He returned the next day with a ticket for doing 52 mph in a 30 mph zone.  I believe he's still a "probationary" licensee.  In my day, they doubled the fine and/or jail time for probationary drivers.  Watch Señor Zanza's auto insurance premium skyrocket.  Oh my Lord!  I know another young lad who caused an accident while driving home from receiving his license.  At least Junior wasn't ticketed for an OWI on New Year's Eve.  I'm proud of my son for that.

I'm not proud of him for speeding.  Apparently, he's inherited his father's heavy foot on the accelerator.  Maybe it's a boy/man thing.  I know that women get better auto insurance rates than men.  That's sexist, if you ask me.  If whites got better rates than blacks simply because they're white, that would be racist.  However, the insurers are allowed to charge more or less, depending on location.  So, the poorer zip codes pay a higher price, even if their driving records are better than the whites.  And if you can afford an attorney, he/she can probably make it all go away, for a price.

I'm not going to help Junior with his new legal and monetary problems.  He hasn't asked, yet, but he will.  So here's the answer in advance: No!  The boy will never become a man if he's constantly bailed out by family members and/or friends.  Stand up, Junior, and accept complete responsibility!

Hah!  Maybe when hell freezes over . . .  It doesn't look quite that cold in the predictions, but we could see some single digit days.  Ah, who cares?  We're in Wisconsin, where you can still see some guys in shorts.  Oh, to be young again!

Do you have a question for the Madame?  Sure you do: madamezoltar@jtirregulars.com

Be careful out there, my loves.  There's still plenty of ways to get hurt.  Be especially careful when driving near an area that has a significant pile of snow.  Kids can run (and fall) outta nowhere.  I wish you all a blessed New Year.  Stay warm and stay alive.  I love you all!

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