Sex In The Shower
In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower !
In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Detroit residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison ....
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A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'
St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'
So the zebra went off in search of God.
When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'
God simply replied 'You are what you are.'
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'
The zebra looked puzzled. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.'
The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'
'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is.'
A pirate was talking to a landlubber in a bar. The landlubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The landlubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you lose your leg?" The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about your hand. Did you lose it at the same time?" "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the landlubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?" The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The landlubber asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you lose your eye?" The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"
This one is naughty!
A general store owner hires a pretty, young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I`d like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.
A small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread. After a few trips the clerk is becoming irritated. She yells from the top of the ladder to the next man in line, an elderly gentleman, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," sighs the feeble old man.... "But it's twitch'in a little."
so these two cows are hangin' out on a hillside full of daisies on a lovely sunny day - slowly chewing their cuds and contemplating the universe and the one cow says to the other: "mooo-oooo, so what do you think about that mad-cow disease thing?" and the other cow looks over and says: "moo-ooo, what do i care? - i'm a helicopter..."
A little kid dressed up as a gun slinging cowboy walks into a ice cream parlor for a sundae. The lady behind the counter is impressed how cute he is in his cowboy costume.
"How many scoops?" she asks.
"Two! And make them big." he replies in a gruff voice.
"Chocolate or Butterscotch?"
"Chocolate, and lots of it!" he said putting his hand on his hips.
"Whipped cream and a cherry?" she asks.
"Yea! And lots of that too!" he says as he leans his elbow on the counter.
"Do you want your nuts crushed?"
The young gun slinger steps back from the counter and with lightening speed draws his gun and points them at the clerk, "Do you want your tits blown off?!" he exclaims.
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Is there some type of correlation between ice cream parlors and crushed nuts?
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma' am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't . He just walked in the door.'
Three mischievous Grandmas
Three old mischievous Grandmas are sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.
About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas aid, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.' Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old ladies happily yelled in unison --- 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
A rural church couldn't afford an organist to play at Sunday morning services, so a congregation member who knew how to play the piccolo volunteered to provide music.
The preacher and the piccolo player were standing up at the front of the church when the preacher said, "We will now sing hymn number 25..."
"Ah Reverend." the piccolo play said, "I don't know hymn number 25"
"OK" said the preacher, "We'll sing hymn number 42"
"I don't know that one either" the musician said.
From the back of the church, a voice rang out "Siddown a$$hole!"
The preacher shouted "I want to know who called the piccolo player an a$$hole!"
A guy in the back stood up and addressed the preacher, "Reverend, I didn't call the piccolo player an a$$hole . The folks sitting around me didn't call the piccolo player an a$$hole. I just want to know who called that a$$hole a piccolo player?!"
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