Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello, everyones! Welcome to my weekly Wednesday blog.

Madame Zoltar is not pleased. I was working on my blog this morning and had it nearly completed when there was a sudden power outage. I should’ve been OK because I have a battery backup for my computer manufactured by APC. I just tested it a couple of weeks ago. However, when the power went down, so did my computer, and I lost everything. Power was eventually restored and I rewrote the blog. All’s well that ends well, though, and I hope that the CEOs of WE Energies and APC enjoy their new incarnations as a jackass and platypus, respectively.


Today’s first question comes from one of my favorite contributors, Mr. Avenging Angel, who asks, “If Rocky fought Rambo, who would win?”

Why, Sylvester Stallone, of course: just think of all the money he would make! Seriously, though, this question reminds me of that old conundrum about an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object. In that scenario, I like to think of Rambo as a collection of protons hurling in one direction inside of the Large Hadron Collider. By the same token, Rocky would be a different collection of protons hurling in the opposite direction. Then, if they were to collide, space and time as we know it would cease to exist. That’s not a big deal for me because I’m used to slipping in and out of the material world, but it may pose some problems for the rest of you. In short, Mr. AA, the answer to your question is that no one would win, but we would all lose. Let’s just keep the great, patriotic Americans like Rocky and Rambo fighting together for our side.


Our next comment comes from someone who wants her “name withheld for anonymity,” and once you’ve read the message, you’ll know why: “Dear Mme. Zoltar. I have been having these ‘special feelings’ about you lately. I am totally heterosexual and strictly into men though. Could it just be patient/psychic transfer that I'm experiencing? Please help. I am so uncomfortable having this sexual angst hanging over my head....”

My, I’m feeling rather flushed. Ah, er, yes, it’s that transfer thing, or something… Perhaps your feelings for me are really an expression of gratitude for the insight and wisdom I have brought into your life with my special powers. Or maybe you’re just horny. In any case, I recommend cold showers whenever you have those feelings – for both of us.


Here’s a query from a locally elected official: “Why do bloggers feel they have the right to comment on and criticize a public figure? Just because I campaigned for office and am paid by their tax dollars, they seem to think it’s OK to discuss my job performance. Why don’t they understand? I was duly elected by the people – now leave me alone!”

Sorry, but bloggers are a notoriously thick lot who can’t seem to shed those silly notions of democracy and civic duty that some damn fools drummed into their heads. Tell you what, for the right price (contact me), I can cast a spell that will blind them with celebrations and commercial distractions. They’ll be so busy with partying that they probably won’t even hear the gunfire in the distance.


Finally, here are my prognostications for this weekend’s JTI picnic: perfect weather, outstanding food, and great company. Remember, if you want me to make an appearance, gather into a circle, join hands, close your eyes, and chant my name. I will be there shortly. If that hussy “Bloody Mary” Worth shows up in my stead, please tell her to take a hike.

And don’t forget to email me at madamezoltar@wi.rr.com to see your questions and my answers published here every week.

Ciao!