Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello everyone! How about them Brewers? (And how about paying up, Mr. OrbsCorbs, for my help?)


Mr. SER, one of my favorite Irregulars, writes, "Dear Madame Zoltar, We’re all aware of 'Murphy’s Law'. You know, 'what can go wrong will go wrong at the worst possible time'. Lately this SOB hasn’t been cutting me any slack. My question is, 'what can I do to turn the tide on this scum bag and make him deal with the bullshit'?"

Dear Mr. SER: I have a variety of hexes, spells, potions, and incantations available to help move circumstances toward a desired objective. (Isn't that right, Mr. OrbsCorbs?) Contact me regarding a price schedule tailored to fit your needs and pocketbook. Unfortunately, because of difficulty in collecting payment from another member of this website, I must insist upon prepayment for all of my services.

On the cheap, though, there's always signing up his email address on porno sites.


The economy has been a major subject in my emails this week. I would like to reassure everyone on our financial future, but, alas, I cannot. My crystal ball remains mysteriously cloudy on this matter. I am convinced that there is a way to clear the air, as it were, and see the economic future. However, it will take the cooperation of everyone and the efforts of all who have a stake in our fiscal well being. It will also take approximately $750 cash, delivered to me personally, to finalize the foretelling of our markets' coming ups and downs.


Our next question comes from GEB, "Dear Mme. Zoltar, Do you have any predictions for Party on the Pavement this weekend?"

Dear GEB: I predict a good time, a really good time. Hope to see you there. Try to lay off the sauce, though, and leave the camel alone this time.


Finally, two words on the upcoming election: you lose. I don’t like to reveal my prognostications on elections in order to avoid affecting the electoral process. Therefore, I won’t say who the winner of the next election will be, but I can tell you this: both of the bozos up for the job want to reward the bankers and swindlers who have brought our economy to its knees with $700 billion of your money.

I would be laughing so hard if my tears didn’t erupt first.


Have a good week everyone. Don’t forget to send your questions and comments to me at madamezoltar@jtirregulars.com And don’t forget to visit my fortune telling booth at Party on the Pavement. For only $5, I will tell you your future. For $10, I’ll lie.