Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello, everyones! Never fear, Madame Zoltar is here. In uncertain times it is good to know at least one thing for certain: Madame Zoltar knows all!


Our first email today comes from the redoubtable Ms. kkdither, who writes:

Dear Mme. Zoltar,

Please be kind enough to answer a couple of questions for me. No one seems to be able to come up with an acceptable response. These may only be best answered by you, madame:

If you shoot a mime, is it necessary to use a silencer?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If you were to throw a cat out of a car window, does it then become kitty litter?

And, what was the best thing before sliced bread?

Dear Ms. kk, and dear readers, my responses, in order:

Although it is not necessary to use a silencer when shooting a mime, it is considered good etiquette to do so. However, if a silencer is unavailable, good etiquette still demands that you shoot the mime.

I haven’t choked anything in quite some time, so I had to consult my crystal ball on this one. The answer: black and blue.

If you were to throw a cat out of a car window, I would make someone throw you off of a building.

And the best thing before sliced bread, my dear, was me. Best thing after, too.


Our next email comes from “Wall_Street_in_Wisconsin,” who writes:

Dear Madame,

I work on the exchange. Should I fish or cut bait?

Dear WSW,

If I were you, I’d save the bait for food.


Finally, this note was slipped under my door the other night:

“If you ever want to see OrbsCorbs alive again, put $10,000 in small, unmarked bills in the glove compartment of the abandoned car in the alley behind your parlor.”

Dear Whomever,

Aha –ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Aha –ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Excuse me, ah, aha –ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Aha –ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Aha –ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!


That’s all for this week, my friends. Don’t forget to send your questions and comments to madamezoltar@jtirregulars.com. I look forward to hearing from each and every one of you. I hope you all have a wonderful week.

Sayonara!