This one is for everyone who...
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.
I guess that means all of us!!
DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this', and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'...pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said,'What's wrong, honey?'
She replied,
‘What happened to my booger?'
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A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist asks if he wants the 3, 9 or 12 pack.
"Well," he said, "I'm seeing this really hot girl tonight. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had me, he boasts, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. The mother asks if the young man would give the blessing.
He begins the prayer, but continues praying quietly to himself for several more minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
Since you brought it up KK......
A traveling salesman stops at a farm house and asks to be put up for the night. The farmer agrees but warns the salesman not to mess around with his daughter. However, upon seeing the daughter who was totally a knockout, the salesman's breaks the promise and later that night yada yada yada.
The next morning the daughter comes down the stairs and says. "mother, father, I think I'm heavy with child."
The father says. If it's a boy, we'll name it after uncle Hal."
The mother says, "If it's a girl, we'll name it after aunt Emma."
The salesman comes into the room dropping a used condom in the trash and says, "If it got out of this, you better name it after Houdini."
A stressed out lawyer needs to take a vacation, so he decides to get away from things and to go hiking in the mountains by himself for a longer period of time. While there he starts to get lonely and just then he meets another man who lives there in the moutains. They get to talking and have a nice time.
Later on the man tells the lawyer about a party that he is having but isnt sure that he would like to come. The lawyer asks him why he wouldnt like it as he is sure a good party would be great. The man explpains that there is a lot of drinking. The lawyer thinks that well thats okay he can handle himself. The man then explains well it can get a little violent at times. The lawyer thinks that he will just steer clear of any fights. Finally the man explains by the end of the night there is a lot of sex. The lawyer got really excited about the sex part and says he would love to come.
After a minute or two the lawyer asks the man what kind of attire is appropriate because he didnt have that much for clothes with him. The man explains that attire doesnt matter too much as it will be just him and the lawyer.
sorry hope it translated well, hard to tell a joke that you heard in another language but it makes me giggle everytime.
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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