Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello my chickadees! How are you? My, haven’t we had an interesting week? We inaugurated a new president and deposed an old mayor. My prognostications have been in high demand by people who want to be in the know. Unfortunately, I can’t even make up things as juicy as the real news.

We have a couple of emails today. The first comes from Mr. Logjam, who writes:

Happy New Year Madame,

I need you to look into your ball. It's been 4 weeks now since my knee job, and I have to admit, I'm a bit down. I was hoping things would move along at a fair pace, but I'm still tied to crutches, the knee is still swollen and hurts like hell to bend it. Part of the reason I had the surgery was to allow me to continue to do what I enjoy doing.....officiating baseball and football. From what you see in your ball, am I calling balls and strikes this summer and running the sidelines tooting my whistle this fall, or doomed to walk the nursing home shuffle?

I thank you.

A Happy New Year to you, too, Mr. Logjam. Please don’t worry one bit more about your knee. I’m sure that winning the Powerball jackpot next week will take your mind off of that. Congratulations!

See, now wasn’t that easy? Unfortunately, you will not win the Powerball jackpot next week, but for a few moments there, you didn’t notice your knee at all, did you? I’m thinking that maybe you are focusing on your knee and worried because it is a difficult operation to undergo and recover from. Along with the deep freeze and 5 feet of snow. And all the good news about the economy, politics, world affairs, etc. I predict that by the time the tulips are blooming this spring, you and the boys of summer will be in training. Do what the physical therapists tell you to do, Mr. Logjam, and while you’re at it, have your eyes checked, too. Everyone knows that umpires often suffer from vision difficulties.

Our second email comes from Ms. Abby, who writes:

My dear Madam,

I'm thinking of dying my hair. Do you think the carpet should match the drapes? If so can you tell me if anyone will ever see it? Next what color would be best?

Thank you in advance.

Oh my, Abby, I’m bald and just wear a wig. ;) In any case, I believe that the carpeting should always match the drapes, especially if you want to attract a prospective tenant. As for anyone seeing it, I’m sure that if you want to show it, someone will always be willing to take a look. On the hair color issue, as I said, bald is beautiful, but “they” say that blondes have more fun. Perhaps Ms. kk could better attest to that. And who are “they,” anyway?

Confidential to GB: Sorry, but not even my considerable powers can help you out this time. On your way down, don’t forget to say hi to everyone that you stepped on on your way up.

That’s it for this week, my compadres. Don’t forget to send your questions and comments to: madamezoltar@jtirregulars.com.

I hope that you have a wonderful week to come. José Cuervo!