Most of the time, being an atheist is just a part of who I am and doesn't come into daily life much one way or the other (I don't really put a lot of thought into not believing and not praying). There are times, however, when differences become apparent.
One of the times religion tends to play a larger than normal role in people's lives is death. I just found out that one of my former students committed suicide a few days ago. My friend J. called me with the news. He knows me well and told me to keep the family in my thoughts. Well, this young man is obviously much on my mind. I noticed that J. did not tell me to keep the family in my prayers. He knows me well and, although I am not offended by offhand comments like that, he respects me enough not to intentionally tell me to keep someone in my prayers.
So the dilemma is always what do I say to the family (I will see them next month) when everyone else is saying "You are in our prayers" that stays true to myself without being an ass (although i know some insist that being an atheist makes you a de facto ass, I disagree with that assessment). I tell them they have my sympathy and they are in my thoughts, omitting the word prayer. In our society, the word prayer almost seems mandatory at that time as I hear others greet the family.
At my mon's funeral, everyone would say that you are in our thoughts and prayers line (a lot of her friends didn't know me well enough to know that I did not share my mom's beliefs). It didn't bother me...they were simply wishing me the best from their personal frame of reference. I took the good wishes and saw no harm in the rest.
I hope others accept the same from me and my fellow atheists.
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I'm just glad I live in a country that doesn't walk lock step or cuts my head off for not giving homage to the proper deity. My friends know and they accept, "In my thoughts." as sufficient.
Sometimes you have to allow folks to do their thing when it comes to your life. When I faced terminal cancer in 94, There were many people that prayed, chanted, gave me healing crystals, realigned my forces, coached me to envision the cancer and defeating it, pagan blood sacrifice (I heard about it, didn't participate), healing baths, a JuJu bag with rocks, sticks, and a feather in it, and I'm probably forgetting a few.
Allowing them to do their thing gave them succor that they were doing their best and it helped them deal with the thought of a fellow, lunatic dying. I made sure to let all of them know that if I lived, they could all go ahead and think that their own special god had stepped to the plate.
When I've been asked why or how I survived, I just tell em the truth. Luck of the draw. Someone has to be that 3%. Anyway, I think people understand and are mainly looking for empathy in their times of need. It isn't important that you pray or say you will, it's important that you show you care.
Hey Bobster....”In your thoughts”, I personally don’t even go that far. Mine is, “my condolences to the family”. That’s about the best it gets.
I use to use, “I’m sorry for your loss”, but then realized, I might not have liked him/her and don’t really care if they are gone.
But I do believe everyone should believe in something, whether it be a “god”, Buddha, a Bud Lite, or in your case it could even be the stars or the moon, makes no never mind to me.
I think SER said it best. Condolences does it for me.
While I am a Christian, I do believe that if you don't force your non-believing on me, I don't force my believing on you. To each their own path. That, by the way, is called respect. And, Hale, you I do respect highly.
I think you have to let people pray if it gives them comfort. It can't hurt. I agree with huck, it is the force of people who care around you that counts, not the words. A hug can heal if it comes from the heart.
I've even been known to throw out a "can you help this person out?" Not sure if it is a prayer or who I'm directing it to.
Death is so personal. There really isn't anything anyone can say to take away the pain and loss you feel. Only time makes it more bearable.
kk, once again, you have hit the nail on the head. Whatever it takes is what a person does during those first days following a loved one's death.
And, Huck, you are so right in that showing you care is more important than any words.
I hate funerals. I never know what to say. I don't want one when I go.
I remind myself of what I remember of what people said to me at my father's funeral: nothing. What I most remember is an elderly neighbor who I thought too sick to attend, but he did anyway. Yes, it's what people do that you remember.
I've planned funerals. It seems inane to plan a "party" for others when all you want to do is be alone and try to work your way through it.
What I remember is a nice touch is those who were thoughtful enough to make and bring food. I've done that for people ever since. You don't feel like eating, but you still have to... and you usually have guests at the house that need to eat.
I almost feel like I am preaching to the choir here. We all seem to be pretty much in agreement about how things should be...how people act in reality can be very different.
I know what you mean, Ser, but this is a student I really liked. He ran track and cross country for me in addition to being in my classes. He was welcomed into my home many times as were his parents and older sister (who I also taught). I am sure other teachers can testify to how much you remember of students even after many years have passed and how you long to see them succeed in life.
I remember many years ago at my mother's funeral. There, the family is sort of in the spotlight and I felt watched. It was a Catholic funeral and, I did not share her faith and conducted myself accordingly. I generally an pretty comfortable doing my own thing, but did feel self conscious not kneeling, taking communion, etc. No one said anything, but when the family is sitting front and center, you know people notice and hope they don't decide to give you a hard time on that day about your beliefs (I probably would have been a little less tolerant with someone evangelizing me at that time than I usually am!)
On a lighter note, I recently changed my religion on my facebook profileas I came up with a better description: Zen atheism.
Hale
If I were you, I would tell his family the same things you told us about him. Remember the good things; that will bring a smile to their face and comfort them.
Hale, I can tell you that people telling you wonderful memories of your loved one makes such a difference. I was astounded by the people who remember my husband's kindness and how he made such a difference in their lives.
Mary is right, share your wonderful memories of their loved one with them. They will cherish it. Trust me.
Buddy, you are a such a true example of what a caring friend should be.
During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christianworld.
4. Southern Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.
And finally, The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways ..... I never thought I would enjoy watching the news about an airplane crash, but the good Lord works in mysterious ways and with a sense of humor!
First: No one died!
Second: The passengers standing on the wing appeared to be walking on water!
Third: It removed Obama from the headlines for 24 hours!
Fourth: No one in the government could take credit for the miracle! And...
Fifth: It wasn't George Bush's fault!
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