Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello, my prized petunias! How are you? Isn’t this a glorious time of the year? Have you stopped to listen to the songs of the birds lately? And there is so much color bursting out everywhere! The beauty of nature surrounds us.

I received an email from the mesmerizing Ms. Mary, entitled “Weather:”

Dearest Madame Zoltar,

In Oklahoma City, it has rained 18 out of 19 days (today included). Every weekend we've had rain and temperatures in the 50's - 60's even though this time of year we should be in the 80's. We have not seen the sun for more than a few seconds in the past week, and then it was only for an hour or two and in a flash it was gone again. Rumor has it that it might come out tomorrow but there is an 80% chance of thunderstorms. Of course, they said it would be out today and they lied. Could you please use your powers to try to get the sun back down here? I for one would be in your debt and I would reckon a lot of other people would be too, if you can.

Waterlogged,
Mary

Oh my, dearest Ms. Mary, I had no idea that the situation was so damp and dreary in Oklahoma. After my weather fiasco at the last Irregular get-together, I more or less decided to avoid meteorological spell casting. A problem I always have with it are the repercussions: if I make it dry in one place, it seems that it must get wet elsewhere; if I warm it up here, it gets cold there; and someone is always complaining. However, Ms. Mary, your situation is desperate enough for desperate measures. I’ve already cast a mini-spell over your area to give you at least 24 hour’s respite from the rain today. After that, though, it’s anybody’s guess. Mother Nature apparently resents my intrusions into her realm and I don’t need to make any more enemies.

I would also like to take this opportunity to reiterate that I am in no way related to the redoubtable Mr. OrbsCorbs. In a Mother’s Day posting here, Mr. Corbs claimed that I was his mother. Nothing could be further from the truth. First, he is older than me, so it would be impossible for me to be his mother. Second, I never even heard of him until he started channeling through me while he was banned from the Journal Times site. Finally, to be blunt, if I were responsible for bringing the likes of Mr. Corbs into this world, I would have veered off of the information superhighway and slammed myself into a retaining wall a long time ago.

Racine has some very interesting trials coming up in the future and I want the readers of the JTI to know that I will be watching those proceedings carefully. Both the retrial of Mr. Adrial White and the trial of Mr. Gary Beckerphile will be taking place in our fair city. One man had to be persecuted in order to save the professional reputation of the other, but the other’s own sleaziness brought him down anyway. It will be a delight to see what flights of fancy the lawyers, judges, and other assorted legal slime balls come up with during these historic courtroom extravaganzas. I am sure that the city of Racine can do much more to embarrass itself and its citizens than it already has, and these proceedings will provide the perfect backdrop.

And while we’re on the subject, here is a confidential message to Mr. TF: No, you don’t get to grant pardons when you step down from office next week, so stop thinking about saving your pedo friend’s ass. Believe it or not, some people in Racine actually look down on the filth that you smear yourself with. If enough of us get fed up, we may even start taking the child molesters off of the judicial benches in our town. Party on, you sots and swine.

I hope all of the rest you have a great week. Spring is the time of rebirth and the perfect opportunity to reinvigorate your life with love. Go out and hug a tree. Sniff a flower. Pet a squirrel. Smoke an herb. Roll down a hill. Jump in the lake. Commune with Mama Nature, and she will get you naturally high.

Send your comments and questions to me at: madamezoltar@jtirregulars.com. Ta-ta, dearies, and don’t take any wooden stimulus dollars.