Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello, my crisp caramel apples! How are you? How did your garden grow this year? Mine stunk. Actually, everything did well except for the plants that needed sunlight. Again, though, I will not speak poorly of dear Mother Nature, lest she crash land me over Detroit some night. There’s a nip in the air and the nights are wonderful for sleeping. Autumn almost makes me forget about what immediately follows it. Let’s enjoy the spectacle while we can.

First, my friends, I’d like to comment on an editorial which appeared yesterday in the online edition of The Korean Herald: http://www.koreaherald.co.kr/NEWKHSITE/data/html_dir/2009/09/29/200909290006.asp. After decrying the rising number of my fellow practitioners in South Korea, and disparaging our art and science, the editors of this rag then had the gall to say, “Fortunetellers can do something good to society by giving more encouraging verdicts to our innocent youths with boundless futures.” What? How dare they? They expect me to lie about something as serious as someone’s future just to satisfy their agenda? How could I maintain my integrity, how could I look at myself in the mirror, if I did that? For shame, Korean Herald, for shame! How dare you suggest that I dissemble when predicting the future? For shame!

Next is the sad tale of Janet Lee, at right, a woman with a psychic store in Greenwich Village. “However, the self-proclaimed ‘foremost psychic in New England’ was arrested by Greenwich police over the weekend after detectives said she lied about being attacked in town by rival psychics over the summer.” The grisly details are here: http://www.greenwichtime.com/ci_13440512. It can be difficult at times to sort out the truth amongst competing psychics. And it rarely gets to the point that physical violence is involved. But it is not unheard of, not at all. In a situation like this, I would suggest a few sprays of my MZ Tru-Mist® on everyone involved. Some whiffs of that and they’ll be spilling their secrets for the next eight hours. Though not approved by the courts for interrogation purposes, MZ Tru-Mist® can provide the edge that interrogators need to crack the hardest of eggs and scramble up the truth. Discounts available on volume purchases by military and law enforcement personnel.

And while visiting this subject, I’d like to address the condescending tone displayed in the first paragraph of the above story: “Despite her intuitive powers, psychic Janet Lee probably did not see an arrest in her future, …” Ha. Ha. Ha. How many times have I heard that one? The contempt with which the writer regards her subject is evident throughout. I’d like to explain something to her and to the rest of the jokesters. Psychic predictions don’t just pop into my head to help me or my clients conveniently avoid disaster. Being psychic is more like having a television on with all of the channels going at once. Most of the time, I can suppress most of the noise in order to lead a somewhat normal life. In order to enter that area and sort out a particular “channel” takes skill and daring. To capture a moment or two of the future or past for someone, I must risk the integration of my very self. I do not do that lightly, nor do I charge lightly for doing so. Laugh all you want. My bank manager thinks it’s pretty funny, too.

Finally, I want to direct your attention to this story from the online Romanian Times, “Gipsy women consider themselves inferior to men:” http://www.romaniantimes.at/news/General_News/2009-09-29/3174/Gipsy_women_consider_themselves_inferior_to_men. It simply is horrible to read about the attitudes and condition of these women. They are little more than livestock to their husbands. What a shame that they don’t have access to my MZ Castra-Oil®. Just a few drops applied to the proper area results in a marked difference in behavior (and appearance) within days. Not recommended for use on those below the age of 18 or older than 65. See package insert for details.

Don’t forget Party on the Pavement this Saturday, Oct. 3, in Downtown Racine, dears: http://www.racinedowntown.com/party.html. Although I don’t have a booth in the festivities, I plan on astral projecting onto Monument Square in the early afternoon. Be there, or else.

Be here, too: madamezoltar@jtirregulars.com.

Keep your buns warm, my friends, and your hearts lit. Düsseldorf!