Dear Madame Zoltar

Hello, my cream-filled Ho Hos! How are you? I’ve been enjoying the relatively warm weather we’ve been having. I had the car washed (no, I don’t astral project everywhere) and even raked up a few pieces of debris that appeared on the lawn where the snow melted. We’re supposed to start dropping back into the single digits, though, so our January thaw must be over. I’m still working on a potion or spell that I can cast on myself that will make me oblivious to winter. So far, a few shots of Jack with a beer back are the best I’ve come up with.

Well, I did what I could to make sure that Mr. Favre isn’t going to the Super Bowl this year – at least not as a player. That interception near the end of regulation had the mark of Zoltar® all over it. I almost wish that the Vikings had won the overtime coin toss so then maybe I would have had to hurt Mr. Favre, slightly, to prevent their win. In fact, I do wish it. Oh my. But, of course, my animosity towards Mr. Favre is strictly business and has nothing to do with his professional antics. Pay your debts, sir, and the shrinkage will stop. Pay them quickly and it might even reverse.

I just received an email from the delightful Ms. Mary concerning the weather in Oklahoma:

Hello My Dearest Madame Zoltar

I hope the stars are aligned in your favor on this lovely day (well here in OKC it is lovely). My request is this. On Thursday we are going to have our second major winter storm here. Although it is not supposed to be like the blizzard on Christmas Eve which brought us over 14 inches of snow, it is still going to be a bad one. When they put Winter Storm Watches out 4 days early, you just know it will be bd.

I am asking you to use your powers in helping us get snow instead of the sleet and ice that is predicted. All three are predicted but I really do hate ice storms as they cause such havoc. I (as always) am eternally grateful for anything you can do.

Your humble servant,
Mary

Dear Ms. Mary, I just checked some of your local weather forecasts, and, as you say, they are predicting a winter storm on Thursday with “100%” probability. It amazes me how often meteorologists are 100% wrong on their 100% probability predictions, yet they continue to issue them on a regular basis. If I was wrong on my predictions as often as they are, I would be out of business within weeks. And what really galls me is that all of them rely upon the National Weather Service, which is funded by taxpayers, for the majority of their inaccurate forecasts. I contacted the NWS once in an effort to offer some constructive criticism, one professional forecaster to another, but they replied with smug condescension, pooh-poohing my proposals. You have no idea of how tempted I was to curse them and their children’s children, but out of respect for Mother Nature (and a little fear, too), I held back. She seems to enjoy taunting the meteorologists, playing like a cat with mice, and I dasn’t interfere. But I digress…

Ms. Mary, I will be pleased to do what I can to help you in the avoidance of as much moisture as possible in the coming days, and in the preferred form of snow if it must occur. As I have stated in the past, I avoid confrontation with Mom Nature on weather-related requests and use a more indirect method of attempting to influence the spheres that contain us all. (Of course, tweaking the spheres has been known to cause the occasional freak January tornado &/or earthquake, but I’m sure we’ll be OK this time - I think.) The greatest help that others can contribute to this cause is simply positive thoughts. I have anecdotal evidence of numerous storm avoidances precipitated by positive mental energy. The more people that direct their thoughts to a positive meteorological outcome on a given day, the more likely it is to occur. And pay absolutely NO attention to the hysteria on the local news, Ms. Mary. Their job is not to inform, but to inflame. Yak yak yak. Ratings, and readers, and hits, oh my! Ratings, and readers, and hits, oh my!

In an effort to turn our attitudes and energies positive that we may better confront the realities of winter wherever we may be, I am posting a video of the late Israel "Iz" Ka’ano’i Kamakawiwo’ole doing his rendition of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow:”



You just have to feel better after listening to that. It wouldn’t dare snow now.

In case it does, though, email your winter supply list to: madamezoltar@jtirregulars.com.

Thank you for reading my blog this week my dear, dear dears. You are each so dear to me. Oh, dear me. I love sharing this time together with you. See you at the JTI Christmas Party. Onomatopoeia!